I fall to my knees in front of the raging fireball that was once the Yellow Mansions. The blue-white flames are searing hot, and too bright to look at, but I feel their furious heat on my face, and I know nothing can possibly be left standing in the stately grounds that, just a few minutes ago, my teammates had been scouting out. My teammates... Eliza, Domovoi, Julius... all gone. My mind throws up hideous pictures of their last moments, charred, blackened bodies in the terrible fire. Tears come to my eyes, hot and stinging. "No... no. They can't be gone." I hear my own sobbing, my own disbelieving voice almost a whisper. The horrible images, the stinging regrets, are bouncing around and making it almost impossible for me to think. All I can do is cry.
A sudden sharp shove at my shoulder forces my head up. I see a half-familiar face above me, swimming in the smoke. Its mouth is moving, but I hear nothing above the roar of the fire. It swirls in and out of focus. I stare blankly for a few seconds, before the face twists into an exasperated expression. Firm hands grasp my arm and pull me away from the scene, into the safety of a tree a few metres away. The glare of the burning mansion is still burnt into my vision, the imagined cries of my lost friends echoing in my ears, but now, away from the direct line of the flames, and in the shade of a tall oak, I feel my senses returning. The voice of the hazy, familiar face is becoming clearer, and I begin to comprehend the words.
"Don't cry." I slowly recognize the voice as Richard. The last member of my team, a surly, tough eighteen-year-old. The one I'd never really gotten along with. He's looking at me now, his back against the tree trunk, undisguised hostility in his fierce tawny eyes. "Th-They're gone..." I choke out. The tears are starting up again, against my will. I feel like the weak, sentimental, inept rookie that I am. My first mission, and I can't even control my emotions. But even worse, I'd gotten attached to the people I was supposed to be bringing down.
Richard lets out a bitter bark of hard laughter. "Yeah, they sure are. Do you spies always cry this hard when your mission succeeds?" His words take a while to register, but when they do, I feel a painful contraction in my chest. "What... What did you say?" Richard looks straight at me, anger mixed with cynical amusement in his gaze. "You're a spy for Napcon. Don't bother denying it. We all knew." I gasp, despite myself. "How?" I ask. He shrugs. "Listen, kid. Me and Domovoi, we've been in this business a long time. It's an insult, really, Napcon assigning a rookie spy to our group. We saw it right away. Julius and Eliza wouldn't believe it at first. Your little performance in the Connors incident was more than enough to convince them, though." His mouth distorts into a twisted little smile. "You really are new, aren't you?"
I feel my face flush. "But if you knew I was a spy..."
"Why didn't we finish you off? It was Julius. He thought you, being new and innocent and whatnot, could be turned to our side. This Yellow Mansions mission was going to be your test. If we made it through, and you still didn't call Napcon down on us, he'd talk to you, try to convince you. He persuaded Eliza and Domovoi that you were okay. Lot of good that did him." Richard's voice turns harsh.
It made sense. Richard and Domovoi had experience, but Julius was the captain on this mission. He trusted me? Richard was right. A lot of good that did him. I was mad at myself, ashamed of what I'd done, shocked at the extent Napcon had gone to, horrified at the loss of my friends... My friends? I sniffed desperately, trying to stop the tears. But Richard saw them. "I said, stop crying!" his expression is suddenly a mask of pain and anger. "What right have you to cry? You tried to kill them! You never loved them. No, you didn't. You never loved them, so DON'T YOU DARE CRY FOR THEM!" he screams, and in that second I feel the force of his grief. I wouldn't have blamed him if he lunged at me right there and then.
"It wasn't me!" I say, before I realize what I'm saying. Richard barks out another laugh. "What you mean, it wasn't you? You were the spy!" he spits. "I know. But I didn't call Napcon. I was going to. But I didn't. I turned the communications receiver off!" I pull out the little pager-like device, its tiny screen blank. He squints at it. "So you didn't kill them," he admits gruffly, "but it doesn't make a difference. You wanted them dead. You betrayed their trust. Don't come crying and tell me you loved them." His voice is barely under control. He won't even look at me.
"I did." My voice is a toneless whisper. "I did." I shut my eyes, feeling the hateful tears come down again. I shouldn't have. Shouldn't have.
I feel a rough hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, okay?!" I yell, whipping around.
I come face to face with Julius.
For a moment nobody moves, or speaks, or even breathes. "Julius?" I ask, disbelievingly. I look past him, and see Eliza grinning, leaning against a sturdy tree branch, her right leg singed. Domovoi and Richard are embracing, all show of macho indifference gone. "You lousy old-timer, I thought you were gone for good!" roars Richard, as Domovoi claps him on the back.
"What, you guys thought that tiny barrage of missiles was gonna get us?" Julius laughs, teasing amusement in his tone. I see his shrewd green eyes darting a glance at me, taking in my tearstained face, my half-stunned, half-anguished expression, still almost unable to understand what's just happened. The familiar, smug little smile tugs at his lips, and I see a gleam in his eyes that he gets when he knows he's got the right answer. "We thought that was it for all of you." I say, still shocked. Eliza laughs her warm chuckle. "Yeah, we did too. But we made it." she points out.
I can't deceive them anymore. I have to admit it. "Guys-" I begin. "We know, Zhalia. We know." Julius replies. All my teammates are looking at me, and I see friendship on all their faces, even Richard. "You proved it, rookie. We were gonna give you a choice, but I think it's pretty clear." says Domovoi gruffly. And as I look around at my friends, I think it's pretty clear too.
"Welcome to the team. For real this time."
